I think I’ve finally hit the bottom of the dark pit of despair known as life.
This isn’t some suicide note don’t worry about that. In truth what I feel presently is more optimistic.
I’m finally sick of my life(I promise the optimism will make itself known in a moment). I’m fed up of being a nobody, not a nobody in the sense that i’m not famous, I wouldn’t want to be anyway. Rather a nobody in the general sense of life. With my stoic mentality I believe nothing anyone does really matters, but still I understand the human nature of wanting to succeed. To do something.
With that let me share a little bit about myself.
I’m a mid-twenties, white male. I have a bachelors degree in baloney, it’s never gotten me anywhere and a good reason for that is me. After changing my mind every semester for the first 2 years of school I finally settled on the degree I eventually got but didn’t double down on my efforts to get anywhere with it.
I was naive. I assumed I was smart and would be able to prove that to some manager who’d want to hire me. Boy was I fool for thinking that’s how the world works.
Embarassingly I still live with my family. It’s embarassing and torturous. Not only do I live with my parents but in this house is also a sibling and their spouse plus children. They are older(except the children you are young).
What makes it torturous is that they are horrible parents and for the entire time since they’ve moved back in(several years ago), I’ve spent more time parenting their kids. Sometimes because I actually like the kids but other times just to avoid the chaos that ensues when the kids and parents are in direct contact.
For quite a while neither parent worked. One does now while the other watches tv 10 hours a day. The children are regularly kept in the parents room to watch tv on their seperate mini dvd players and it’s amazing when stay at home parent then gets annoyed at the presence of said children disrupting the tv watching.
Beyond the lack of quality interaction with the kids, the parents are just plain assholes. Everything is the kids fault and they couldn’t begin to realize that it’s all their doing, that if they spent time with their kids they wouldn’t act out so much for attention. Hence why they don’t act out around me and do whatever I ask as if I was General Patton himself.
To make matters worse, my parents, who realize the stupidity of my older sibling and spouse don’t do anything about it, despite it being their home and ultimately that they make the rules.
I tried making an effort a long time ago, but with no higher up support my efforts were unheeded. Needless to say I gave up that foolish effort. My best efforts still are not enough to overcome the utter failure of two parents who are still their to destroy their own kids development. Smart, capable kids. One step forward, six steps backwards. It’s a shame.
What does that have to do with me hitting bottom?
Beyond the personal embarssment i’m sick of my family. My dad recently asked me a question about a possession which I declined to answer. He kept pressing me(like the prick he doesn’t realize he is) and then got in my face to say I should look for a place to live.
Now naturally my parents are pushovers and this statement is not to be taken seriously, but just a few days prior I already began looking for a place to move to.
I can’t stand the presence of my family anymore. Most people would say that while I’m not the most overly social person I am frank and genuine. Still I can hold a grudge and when I do it’s serious.
But there’s a little more to the story.
I also don’t have a job. I haven’t worked all year in fact and have been on unemployment.(All those people who say unemployment encourages people not to work are spot on, I’m proof).
Still I want to work, even if only to cure that boredom that comes from sitting around reading books all day.
I still plan to move though. Despite not having a job and only a short amount of unemployment left I ain’t no fool. When I was working last(a simple labor gig), I saved my money like a fiend(sometimes over a grand a month, not bad for $300 a week).
Needless to say I can afford a simple existence on my own for a while. So since last night I’ve been contemplating how many boxes it would take to move my stuff. I think it’s 8, but that’s with me jettisoning quite a bit of junk.
So here I am. 20-some years old with no job, limited(i.e. non-professional) work experience, and no real clue what I’ll do going to jump out into the world on my own finally.
Of course I have more thoughts on the whole matter, so a follow up post will come soon.
If you read this, please add a comment. Encouragement, ideas, or suggestions are welcome.