I Was In Love Once

I was in love once. It happened just 2 & 1/2 years ago. Oddly enough I met her because my friend talked to her. We were out at a bar and she was visiting her sister who was here with her husband for work cause they were from Germany. My friend talked to her that night while I got drunk, eventually she danced with me and seemed more interested in me than my  friend who talked to her. But because I got drunk the night was finished earlier than I would’ve liked. Still it worked out well for me. Another friend of mine gave her sister his business card since he and her husband worked for similar companies. When I found out they called him to get my number I was attached to my phone until they called. I spoke with the sister and got an email address for the cute blond girl who would have a bigger impact on my life than anyone else of my choosing.

That occurred in the late summer and I emailed with her through the fall when I graduated from the university. Come spring we still emailed but I decided to finally go and see her since I’d had the time. I didn’t know exactly what to think of it at first. We’re we getting together or was this just friendly? I didn’t know, I’d never done anything like this before and all we’d asked each other was if we were dating anyone, we weren’t.

I arrived in Germany in May and stayed for 2 & 1/2 weeks with her. I stayed in her apartment. That first night we talked upon getting home and when it was time to go to bed we stood up and had a nice small kiss. It was natural as could be. I slept on an air mattress in the living room the first two nights. After that things were obvious enough and we shared her bed. We did a great many things together and had a lot of fun. We bonded in a way that I simply can’t put into words that do justice to just how well we were together. We had similar interests and similar temperaments, and personalities. When I talked about something she didn’t know she listened, and when she talked I listened. We both wanted the same thing and therefore were both able to give it to each other. This beautiful, sweet, kind, caring, feminine German girl was in love with me as much as I was with her.

She had taken work off in the second week I was there. We first went to her family home in southern Bavaria for a day to visit her parents and spent the night there. The next day we drove to Venice(well just outside Venice) and stayed there for four nights. Things were even better in Italy. Even though we had the whole day to ourselves I still wandered around town on my own and that was alright, we didn’t have to be together every second of the day because it was good enough as it was. We shared a lot of special times together. Some that I won’t share details of because they are special and as such moments that I want to keep between just me and her.

The day I had to leave was one of the most heartbreaking days of my life. We could hardly separate from each other at the security line. I sincerely considered not going home. I knew I couldn’t stay forever but I just didn’t want to leave. Though I did leave. I left because I knew I would be back. I loved this girl too much to not come back. I didn’t know how I’d end up getting to stay in Germany but I had too.

That is until things changed.

I’d been back home for about 2, maybe 3 months and was dreadfully lonely. Though we emailed each other everyday, I couldn’t help but feel disconnected from things. That’s when it all went wrong. A combination of innocent fun and wink, nod seriousness brought down this amazing but tough relationship. I was a member of a social website in which members communicate with one another in rather friendly terms. It’s a small tight knit community and sexual innuendo and references are made freely among members, though sometimes with a hint of seriousness.

It was in sending messages, regularly attached with fun sexual jpgs or gifs with an attractive older woman that I got caught. While I can say the messages were nothing but playfulness, I can’t deny that I would’ve acted on the idea. How did I get caught? Easy, I logged in to this site from her laptop when I was in Germany. I didn’t log out and one day, months later, she stumbled across it and as anyone would do curiously entered to see my profile messages and contents.

I immediately got an email asking me who was ——–? The timing couldn’t have been worse since I was at a friend’s wedding the previous day and in a happy and uplifting(if also tired & hungover) mood.

That was it. There was nothing that could be salvaged. It was as if I cheated on her, and let’s face it, I did. Maybe not truly, but it’s all the same outside of the gentlest jokes with your innermost circle of friends, which is not why I had done.

It was only a little over 3 months that this glorious period of my life lasted. Brief as it was it has been the benchmark ever since. The long-term girlfriend I had just last year(well now 2 years ago I guess, since it’s 2013), was nothing compared to my schöne Deutsch Freundin. Sure I liked the girl, even said I loved her(though I don’t say I was “in love” with her), but while she was good enough to keep around, I knew that if I had to make a choice on her being in my future she’d be a goner. She just couldn’t measure up.

Not a day has gone by since arriving in Germany and really meeting for the first time my German girlfriend, that I haven’t thought about her.  She made me happier than any other woman I’ve met(not that I’ve met them all of course). Before her I would’ve given some tired old answer about what love was with another person. Because of my experience with her I actually know what it is now. Not that I can actually describe it, but I know what it feels like. It’s not perfect, the relationship still has its problems but the love is real.

I know that might seem odd coming from someone who claims to have taken the red pill, but I stand by it. Besides, just because our modern culture and society is a bit funked up doesn’t mean these things don’t happen, it’s just that they’re not as common as they used to be. It’s all much more cynical today, but that doesn’t negate the things that do carry value. In fact I’d say it highlights it even more.

As stated not a day has gone by, not even when I was with other women, that I haven’t thought about my German girl. Now, nearly 3 years after I first arrived there to meet her I finally feel like I may have some closure with her. I have my personal struggles in life and I felt that talking to her might help so I emailed her a few weeks ago in December. I did get an email from her earlier last year so I wasn’t worried whether she’d answer or not.

She replied with many of the same thoughts I had. She apparently thought of me as much as I do her. She wondered if we’d be married and have a kid by now. She still had the same longing for me and what we had as I did. But she also said it wouldn’t work. She knew, pragmatically, that is was just going to be damn near impossible for me to get a job in Germany, even a crummy one is hard to come by because of the way EU immigration is done. Not having any money, in demand skills, and only basic German language ability wasn’t going to put me on any shortlist for a residency visa.

We both wanted it, both knew it was the greatest experience of our lives and yet both knew it just wouldn’t be able to work. Still, I kick myself in the ass everyday for my stupidity. I now have a little closure, knowing she’s given me the sign that there isn’t much we can do despite ourselves, has helped relieve some pressure. Not just from thinking about her, but as it relates to my other issues at hand as well.

Of course I still think about her and if I ever get a chance to do something that would bring me and her together again I would do it, even if we were eighty years old when it happened. She has given me more than I could have ever imagined getting from another person. On top of that, I still have a desire to consume great quantities of German news, and products. I’ve been a bit of a Bavariaphile since then. To make things worse, if I hadn’t screwed up I would’ve returned during the 2010, 200th celebration of Oktoberfest. Nothing beats beautiful women in dirndls, eating brezn and meat, while drinking a maß of fine beer.

I shared this not only because it is a deeply personal experience of mine, but because now I’m going to start sharing oompah music, and yodeling!


About Moose

I am who I am

Posted on January 3, 2013, in The Life of Man and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. Damn man. The prolouge to this story is roughly similar to mine.

    ‘Because of my experience with her I actually know what it is now’
    I have a question about this one,do you think this love was true? I had the exact same thing, it was so great, so grand. But now, I can look at it as an illusion. A chemical cocktail.

    I dont think I can feel it again. I am not sure I want to.

    • I don’t know. I don’t know if I can feel it again simply because the experience was so good I wonder if I can ever meet that again.

      Perhaps it was an illusion because it I’ll never find out if it had any serious faults. However the experiences of life can never be judged against a standard of measurement. Whatever happens is what we have to form our opinions. It’s not so much whether or not something is good or bad, but simply that it IS and how we learn from it.

      I don’t doubt that I could meet someone else to make me as happy as her in that situation. Every woman I am with better prepares me for the next one. I learn what I want and don’t want and therefore can better judge my prospects before even getting involved.

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